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Couples Counseling at The Connection Clinic 

Practice Time Outs

The essential requirement for the PTO is to recognize that this is a rehearsal for a real time out (RTO).  It’s not a Time Out (TO) on something minor.  Nor is it a TO that you don’t really announce explicitly to your partner, doing this rehearsal in your head doesn’t have the same affect.  It is truly practice only.  And, it is one of the single largest predictors of whether you will break an escalating pattern of destructive/abusive conflict in the future.

The recommended practice amount = 2-3 times/week (absolute minimum is once per week)  for 6 to 10 weeks. 

The purposes for PTO are:

1)       To prepare each other for a separation to occur in the future during a conflict, rather than escalation.

2)       To become familiar with the strangeness of cutting off an argument midstream rather than staying locked onto ones position.

3)       To establish a culture of acceptance and reconsideration of topic of conflict in new light.

4)       To rehearse self-soothing techniques and aerobic buffers

Method –

1)       Announce to your partner, “I’m taking a Practice Time Out.  I’m not upset about anything.  I’ll be back in 5 to 20 minutes.”  Be sure to tell your partner how long you’ll be gone and come back when you said.  (Many have used the PTO exercise as a way to get out of chores or as a way to punish their partner passively – this is likely to backfire.)  In general there’s not negotiation on the PTO’s or RTO’s, you take them without permission or approval from your SO. 

2)       Walk out of room and leave the house, no matter what the weather.  Walk for period of time out.

3)       When you come back, find your partner and say, “I’m back now, if this was a real time out I would have wanted to talk about the problem now, or pick another time to discuss it.” 

Real Time Out

The cue to take a RTO is when your HR is greater than 10% over normal.  Being mindful of how your body signals arousal is important.  Some show stress in their facial expressions, tone of voice, posture or gestures.  Some feel their stress initially in their hands (as numbness) temple, back of head, neck, back, stomach, joints, heart rate, breathing rate, and many other ways.  It’s vital to attend to our bodies to know when we need to take a break.

At the point you see your heart rate at 10% over normal – that’s really not that high from ~ 70 to ~ 80 bpm your use of language, your interpretation of partner’s facial expressions and your selection of strategies for dealing with conflict generally changes, especially if the emotions stimulated are negative ones, like anger, hostility, contempt or disgust. 

Method –

1)       I’m taking a Time Out, I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

2)       Leave the house and take 20 minutes of aerobic activity, walking is suggested.

3)       Come back when you said you would and tell your partner you’re back and you’d like to talk about the topic now, or pick another time.

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