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Your Couples Counselor will offer you a FREE CHOICE of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or "The Relationship Cure" by noted relationship expert and best selling author John Gottman, Ph.D. with your initial interview. Call 503-238-9755 for more information.
What to expect from Couples Counseling at The Connection Clinic
Portland Oregon's Resource for Evidence-Based Marriage Therapy
The Connection Clinic brings the "best of" 30 years of Marital Research, Social Psychology and Psychotherapeutic Outcome Studies to couples seeking remedies for any or all of these problems that can occur between in intimate relationships. Some of the difficulties couples come to The Connection Clinic to deal with include:
Problems with Conflict: This can include saying awful things to each other, using threatening, controlling, manipulative behaviors, lack of respect, name-calling, jealousy, lack of effort, discounting the other's point of view, holding resentments, punishing or withholding behaviors after a fight to mention a few. Contemptuous or hostile arguments can poison other areas of your relationship causing a "spill-over" in, say, parenting or money matters.
Problems with Sex and/or Intimacy: Whether your difficulties are from one person with much lower desire, or the relationship has lost the former passion of earlier days couples counseling can provide a forum for breaking impasses in the bedroom. Suggested reading: Resurrecting Sex, David Schnarch, PhD.
Affairs: Arguably one of the most painful human experiences the betrayal of infidelity can have long reaching consequences. Whether you are going to stay or leave, healing the wounds, finding a pathway to reconciliation, all of these aspects to getting beyond an affair maybe be greatly improved with professional assistance.
The following outline Issues, Objectives and Goals highlights many topics I would recommend attending to after an affair.
Suggested Reading: After the Affair, Janis Abrams or Not 'Just Friends', Shirley Glass.
Parenting:
One of the most common sources of conflict with couples has to do with their different perspectives on how discipline and manage their children's behavior. Almost always, one parent is more permissive than the other. One parent can become assigned as the disciplinarian and the other parent may become the more favored one. This can lead to an undermining of authority of one or both parents and can put substantial strain on both parents to guide their children effectively.
The differences between how people want to parent their children can be tied to highly charged emotional reactions stemming from how the parent was raised or even mistreated as a child. Professional counseling may help both parties can better understand what's motivating their mate to position and provide a 3rd party source of parenting information about strategies for helping their children grow and develop in healthy ways. I welcome your call to discuss your situation and find out if professional counseling may offer some helpful solutions. Suggested Reading: I suggest any of the books of Gerald Patterson from the University of Oregon, for effective behavior management (pick the book that's age appropriate for your children). Also Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman is a good work on being sensitive to emotional development.
Money: One of the biggest issues surrounding couple's problems, money matters. Often it underscores potent values of each partner's life goals and dreams.
Effective couples counseling has three parts:
1) Accurate Appraisal of the Problems (and Strengths) - Every relationship comes with a set of problems. It is always the case that what motivates people to call a therapist are their problems. Likewise, each couple finds remarkably inventive ways to get along, cope, support and compromise each other, even one's in trouble. How those problems get addressed greatly determines the health and vitality of the relationship. For one couple dealing with money matters may be a source of regular trouble. For another, differences in parenting styles may cause lot's of turmoil. For your counseling to be cost-effective the real problems from both parties experience must be identified. I will use the assessment of strengths to help the couple find creative ways to use each other's best strengths to navigate their challenges.
Main Goal: Locate Main Problems (and Strengths)
2) Therapeutic Delivery of Corrective Strategies - Once the Key Problems are agreed between all of us I provide a series of exercises, strategies or activities from a menu of interventions designed to remedy situations most like yours.
Since many conflict patterns are state-dependent, meaning they occur in emotionally charged states I may encourage access of these feelings while being video taped. This method is often very useful for couples needing to slow down an emotional reaction that's become automatic. In fact, this is essential training if your therapeutic benefits are to take long term hold.
Changing the way we react to our mate during times of conflict, or the way we share intimate needs is always unique to the couple. The role of the counselor is to deliver suggestions, feedback, support, that helps the couple take the repair strategy apart and make it their own. For example, one couple fought about the lack of
Main Goal: Establish a Working Model for 1) Repair of Problems and 2) Improving Romance
3) Tune Ups & Adjustments As Needed - Sometimes old habits are hard to break. When we're strained we are more prone to slips, otherwise known as regressions. Clinically the long term objective of counseling is to establish a working strategy that enables both partners to work to repair and resolution from positions of accurate empathy and loving kindness. The counseling process should have become something the couple feels is an asset of their relationship and not the applied wisdom of a beneficent counselor.
The ultimate objective of counseling is to be done counseling. This means you may accumulate a set of skills, a change in attitude, or ways to regulate feels that promotes better problem solving, creates an atmosphere of appreciation and fondness, and makes being together fulfilling and, yes, fun! For some, the old patterns return or needs shift and the couple may need to get a refresher or adjustment on some aspect of their relationship.
Main Goal: Reminders and Revisions as needed.
Successful Couples Counseling always includes some or all of the following:
Call The Connection Clinic to discuss your situation on the phone or schedule an Initial Interview.
Free copy of Gottman's "7 Principles" with Initial Interview
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